


Sluts for Jesus

by zuotian



Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Priests, Religion, Satire, Sex Addiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 05:56:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17401286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zuotian/pseuds/zuotian
Summary: Kenny is early for the local sex addicts meeting at the church. With time to kill, Butters, now a priest, asks about his addiction, and tells Kenny the story of how Jesus helped him with something similar; Kenny is hesitant to believe it.





	Sluts for Jesus

**Author's Note:**

> ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS FANFICTION—EVEN THOSE BASED ON A REAL SHOW—ARE ENTIRELY GRATUITOUS. ALL CANONICAL DIALOGUE IS IMPERSONATED ... POORLY. THE FOLLOWING FANFICTION CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT IT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.

Kenny hurried up the church steps only because it was cold - not because he wanted to be there or anything. In fact, he hated the place. Salvation and eternal life didn’t mean jack shit when you died and visited Hell every other week. 

 

But he wasn’t here for religious reasons. Tonight was the first meeting of a new sex addiction program. Kenny was forced to sign up after his second public indecency accident; one more strike and he was out, so it was kind of a last ditch effort. 

 

He opened the door and about melted, stepping into the warmth. 

 

Butters was kneeling in the pews, donning his black attire and white collar. Kenny paused behind him.

 

Butters had entered seminary school right after high school, and at first nobody knew what to think except that he was still a total dweeb. Then he took over the clergy once Maxi retired, and if his literal balls had shriveled up with celibacy, at least his proverbial ones had dropped. He kept the same ‘don’t fuck with Jesus’ attitude as Maxi, but was more approachable on account of his age and general demeanor. 

 

When the Catholic creep crackdown began, Butters helped root out all the twisted fuckers from the county diocese. When people besmirched him or his faith, he took it in stride, utilizing his childhood training in accepting torrential abuse. And when the community needed help, he was the first one to lend someone a hand. 

 

He was a pretty good priest. Kenny still didn’t like calling him Father. 

 

Butters finished his prayer, made the sign of the cross, and stood to turn around. 

 

“Hey, Kenny,” he greeted with a smile. He spoke quietly, like if it was any louder the sound would shatter all the stained glass windows around them. “Sorry about that - you’re the first one here.” 

 

“I’m early?” Kenny asked. “Great. I’m gonna go back out for a smoke.” 

 

“You aren’t early - you’re right on time, actually. It’s everybody else that’s late. Why don’t you help me set up downstairs?” 

 

Kenny sighed. “That’s what I get, being punctual for the first time ever.” 

 

Butters grinned. “That’s the spirit,” he said with a nonchalant gravity. “C’mon, follow me.” 

 

Butters lead Kenny down to the basement, through a small kitchen and into an adjacent meeting room. In the center was a round table, and the walls held bulletin board messages, Sunday School drawings, and scripture excerpts. 

 

“We’ll need to get these chairs down,” Butters said, moving toward a stack of them against the wall. “We got six people comin’ in, plus old Mackey.” 

 

“What?” Kenny took a chair from him and slammed it down. “ _ Mackey’s _ running this?” 

 

“Well, duh,” Butters said. “He’s basically the town’s only licensed psychologist.”

 

“I’d rather have you yell the Bible at me than listen to him.” Kenny sat down and scrubbed his face. “God, I thought I seen the last of him in eighth grade.” 

 

“First of all, I don’t yell the Bible at anybody,” Butters clarified. He perched on the table next to Kenny. “Second, I know you see Mackey all the time still - 'cause so do I, and we all live in the same town. He’s a good guy - I remember him especially taking a liking to you.”

 

Kenny scowled, letting his hands drop in his lap. “Yeah, well - he shouldn’t have. I’m a total piece of shit. Everybody knew that.” 

 

Butters touched Kenny’s arm. “No, you aren’t. Everybody knew you were a nice kid who just had some troubles - same as the rest of us.” 

 

Kenny didn’t reply. He stared at where Butters made contact, then glanced up into his blue eyes. His face had really chiseled out in adulthood - Kenny always thought he was kinda cute, but now he was totally sexy. Too bad he was a forever virgin. Kenny still got off on the idea of it - deflowering him. Calling him Daddy instead of Father. 

 

“Aw, fuck,” Kenny cursed. He stood up, removing himself from Butters’ reach, and faced the wall. “I’m  _ doing _ it again.” 

 

“Doing what?” Butters asked, in his non-judgemental way. 

 

“I can’t go five seconds without sexing things up,” Kenny explained. “Don’t say anything else or I’ll get a boner.” 

 

“Kenny,” Butters murmured, stepping close. 

 

“Dude, I swear to  _ God _ \- “ 

 

He put his hand on Kenny’s back. “‘No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.’” 

 

Kenny froze. “The hell does that mean?” 

 

“I guess, in your own words, it means everybody is a piece of shit, so nobody is a piece of shit. And when you feel shitty, there’s always something you can do to make it better - besides whatever it is you usually do. Like sexing it up. There’s always another option, Kenny.” 

 

Butters moved away and resumed unstacking the chairs. 

 

“What made you come in on time, today?” he asked.

 

“Huh? I don’t know.” 

 

“Maybe so we could be having the conversation we’re having right now.” 

 

Kenny chewed his bottom lip. “Do you still take confessions, like, outside of the booth or whatever?”

 

“No,” Butters said, “and not without a quarter neither.” He rolled his eyes. “Yes. Just say it.” 

 

Kenny crossed his arms, inspecting his thumbnail as he spoke. “Uh - forgive me, I’ve sinned, and - all that. Did you ever hear what my second charge was?” 

 

“Getting drunk at the Peppermint Hippo and jumping up on the stage naked?” 

 

“No, that was my first. I was at Raisins with Stan. Your old girlfriend, Lexus, right? She came out with our beers. One of the mugs dropped. No big deal. Except right in my lap. She bent down to wipe me up, and her boobs basically popped out of her tank top. What’s a guy to do, right? So I tell Stan I gotta shit, but really I’m going out back. I smoke so I look like I have a reason for being out there, but actually I’m getting my dick out and jerking it to Lexus’ boobs in my face. Well, Lexus saw me go out and wants to apologize - 'cause we’re all friends and whatever - so she comes up to me, and right then - I can’t even help it - I’m cumming as she walks up. It gets all over the both of us.” 

 

Kenny paused, hoping Butters would say something - anything. But he just remained silent, waiting patiently for Kenny to finish as he finished getting the table ready.

 

Kenny began picking at his thumbnail and continued, “So, she calls her manager, and one of those big guys to kick me out. The manager calls the cops. Lexus is pissed but doesn’t want to press charges, 'cause she knows I have a record - so I’m just banned for life. Stan had no idea any of this happened until I got dragged to the front and kicked to the curb. And he’s really giving it to me, saying I can’t be a normal person anymore, saying he’s not gonna let me be around him and Wendy’s baby, saying I always gotta be skeevy, I’m a huge slut. Then the cops come up. I’m just another stupid McCormick - big fucking deal - they tell me I’ve got one more fuck up then I’m going to jail. It was Lexus I did it in front of, and she didn’t want to do anything about it, so she really saved my ass.” 

 

By now all the chairs were set up. Kenny dropped into the nearest one and thunked his head down onto the table. 

 

“And now I’m here,” he said.

 

“Oh, boy.” Butters checked his watch. “We’ve got about fifteen minutes, I bet, before everyone shows up. Want some coffee?” 

 

Kenny’s mouth was smooshed against the tabletop. “What?” 

 

“It’s kinda cold down here. I’ll make ya some coffee, then we’ll talk.”

 

“I thought we were talking.” 

 

“That was listening,” Butters corrected. “Just sit tight.” 

 

He went and padded around the kitchen for a bit. Kenny listened to the sound of him messing with the coffee machine. Eventually, he came back with two hot mugs, set one down beside Kenny, then took a seat. 

 

“You know, I’m supposed to say absolution and all, but I don’t think you’d like that,” Butters said, “so I’m gonna talk to you straight. Sit up and drink your coffee.” 

 

“ _ Fine _ .” Kenny struggled into an upward position and sipped at his mug. Sugar and no cream, how he liked it. Butters always remembered stuff like that about people. 

 

“I’m a virgin, of course,” Butters said, “so I’m not gonna pretend I know exactly what you’re going through. But just 'cause I’ve signed my life over to God, it doesn’t mean I’m stupid or ignorant. I’m human, and a man, and I got needs just like any other men. I had that kissing company, forever ago, and even went to a same kind of meeting like this one, with Kyle. I masturbated just like anybody else - “ 

 

“Butters, I’m not twelve,” Kenny interjected. 

 

“Now, hush,” Butters reprimanded. “It’s  _ your _ turn to listen.” 

 

Kenny took another drink. 

 

“Anyway,” Butters said, “when I was in seminary school it was real hard. I intended to serve God, and our Lord Jesus Christ. But jeeze, sometimes it was so boring. This is a beautiful world, and a beautiful life, with beautiful people - but it doesn’t seem so beautiful when you’re up at night, haven’t gotten off in Lord knows how long, can’t sleep, and just miss that feeling. No matter how often you do it, or I do it, we both got that same urge. I went months without it - you can only go a couple hours - I get it. But at that moment, when you’re about to do it, it’s the same. I read my Bible, I prayed my rosary, and nothing got it off my mind. So I got on my knees and prayed to Jesus. ‘Jesus,’ I said, ‘I really gotta bust a nut right about now. I hope in your grace and mercy, you may allow me to do so in a way that pleases you.’ 

 

“Now, the thing is, there’s plenty of priests and whatnot who say one thing but mean the other, and I didn’t want to be like that. If I was gonna be celibate, I wanted to renounce the pleasures of flesh. I wasn’t gonna be no kind of hypocrite. And Jesus knew that. Now, you won’t believe this next part - “ 

 

“What happened?” Kenny asked. 

 

“If you remember what I told you earlier, Jesus gave me a way out. I’m serious here. I’ll never forget it. After I prayed, I heard beautiful music, and saw a shining light. Jesus visited me in his corporeal form. He said to me, ‘Butters, I have watched over you all your life. You are a true disciple of mine. As I revealed myself to the apostles, I reveal myself to you now. I give you permission to express your devotion in a way that pleases me.’ So, I got on my knees - and I gave Jesus Christ a B.J.” 

 

Kenny set his coffee mug down and stared at Butters with a hard face. “No you didn’t. That’s bullshit.” 

 

“I swear to Christ,” Butters said. “I busted a nut that night like never before. And after that, I never needed to masturbate again - I became a real slut for Jesus. I bust a nut spiritually, now, and it’s better than ever. I’m not saying he’ll do the same for you, but he  _ can _ help you outta whatever bind you find yourself in.” 

 

“That doesn’t help me at all,” Kenny told him. “I’m a slut for chicks - and dick - and Wendy when she breastfeeds. I can’t just ask Jesus for all that.” 

 

“Yes, you can,” Butters said. “Yes you can. Lexus is a real nice gal - this whole thing seems like a wake-up call for you, and you’ve been given a chance to do it right. You didn’t get in trouble this time. What about next time? So, don’t let there be no next time. Whenever you feel that temptation, you ask Jesus to help you out.” 

 

Somebody was walking down the stairs. They both turned. 

 

Mr. Mackey walked in. “Hey, everybody - wait. Kenny, you’re the only one here?” 

 

He shrugged. “Looks like it.” 

 

Another person came down behind Mackey. “I’m here too.” 

 

“Lexus?” Kenny gasped. 

 

She stopped beside the counselor and awkwardly waved. “Hi.” 

 

“Holy shit,” Kenny said. “Is that why you didn’t press charges on me?” 

 

“Kind of,” she admitted. “Working at Raisins since the fourth grade kind of messed me up.” 

 

Butters stood. “Well, I’m happy you made it. I’ll go get you both some coffee.” 

 

“Mmmkay,” Mackey said. “Let’s get started, I guess.”

 

The meeting went okay. Mackey said a lot of bullshit about addiction and everything, and how sexual activity releases endorphins which, after time, can be triggered by stimulus remotely sexual in any way, and that in order to relieve the addiction, you have to find other stimulus which stimulates you in a different, healthier way. Kenny tried listening, but Lexus kept giving him a sexy eye. Butters sat with them all but didn’t say anything. Just watched. 

 

They wrapped it up, and Mackey said they’d be back again the next week. Butters took their coffee mugs to the kitchen, and Kenny and Lexus went outside after Mackey to leave. 

 

They smoked together before heading off, though. 

 

“So, what did you think?” Kenny asked her. 

 

She brought her shoulders up to bade off the cold, and took another drag. “I don’t know. I don’t feel any better, but I guess what he said was right. Mostly, it just made me horny.” She gave him the eye again. “How about you?” 

 

“It’s a lot to think about,” he said, and dropped his cigarette. “I gotta head off.” 

 

“Oh,” she said, and looked away. “Okay. See you next week?” 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

Kenny drove home, ruminating as the depilated surroundings of SoDoSoPa blurred past him. He’d relocated to the lofts after graduating high school, and went into his apartment. It was small and shitty, but he had working cable, water, and heat, and some pet rats. He ate a cup of instant ramen, flicked through random channels, and finally went to his bedroom. 

 

He stood in the middle of the room, thinking, and eventually got on his knees at his bedside, clasped his hands, and closed his eyes. 

 

“Hey, Jesus,” he prayed. “It’s me, Kenny. I don’t know a whole lot about you, but Butters says this works, and I guess I don’t have anything else right now. I turned down a really hot chick tonight, so please make this worth it for me. I just...need you, Jesus. In body, mind, and soul - but especially body.” 

 

Kenny opened his eyes and waited. Then, he heard something behind him, and turned around. 

 

“Oh my God.” 

 

“That’s right, my child.” Jesus stood before him. “Hello, Kenny.” 

 

“Holy shit.” 

 

“Yes, that’s true,” Jesus said. 

 

“What are you doing here?” Kenny asked. 

 

“You called for me, my son. Also, Butters told me this might happen.” 

 

Kenny opened his mouth, but Jesus lifted a hand. 

 

“Please. I know what you need of me.” 

 

“Okay,” Kenny said. He glanced down at the floor, then back again. “Can I stand up? Or should I stay on my knees?” 

 

Jesus smirked. “Perhaps you should lie on the bed.” 

 

Kenny smiled. “Righteous.” 

**Author's Note:**

> this whole fic was just a big punchline, and i don't care. probably blasphemous too, but i doubt it beats virgin mary bleeding out of her asshole. just don't take it seriously.
> 
> i like the idea of priest butters, especially after seeing him in a boy and a priest, and one i will probably revisit in a future fic. kenny being a sex addict is an idea i like to toss around, especially with major boobage in mind. was he addicted to cheesing - or addicted to boobs? and south park's depiction of jesus is one of my favorites ever. so i put all that together and came up with this.
> 
> please leave a comment letting me know what you think


End file.
